nor anyone else.
Like all body language messages, this tactile one may
mean many things, but most people see it as a positive—
and powerful—release of sexual energy.
THE BODY LANGUAGE OF SEX 25
My wife always talks me into taking the kids along when
we go for a walk. I feel that they cramp our style, but
she claims they help us communicate even if we don't
speak. How could this be? Can children affect body
language?
They can, but not in the way your wife thinks. A team of
seven researchers at the University of Minnesota went out
during the summer of 1972 and observed 440 couples
with and without children at shopping malls, in business
districts, at the zoo, outside churches and at the beach.
They watched very closely and without being noticed to
see whether each person in the couple was touching,
smiling at, or talking to the other.
The Minnesota researchers found that when men and
women were with children they touched each other less,
talked to each other less, and smiled at each other less.
Children just seemed to get in the way of any kind of
communication!
These results would seem to prove your wife wrong. It
might be a better idea to leave the kids at home when you
go out together—or at least to try and increase the time
you are alone.
The researchers admit that most older people who have
been together for a long time tend to talk less and touch
less anyway. Familiarity, if it doesn't breed contempt, at
least seems to breed disinterest. But even taking this
factor into account, the researchers assure us that children
inhibit communication.
THE BODY LANGUAGE OF SEX
As for smiling, they admit that adults who are alone
have more to smile about because they're usually interested
in each other. "Young adults of courting age,"
they point out, at dances, on the beach, may smile a
great deal and make us think that if children were around
they'd smile less. The truth is, it's the "country, the beach,
the dances that increase smiling."
All is not hopeless, however. Lest anyone should avoid
having children for fear they would cut down on his
smiling, talking, and touching, the Minnesota team notes
that though children may be a source of difficulty to their
parents, they still increase the ties between the parents.
They still offer substantial rewards to the parents, and
even if the parents touch, smile, and talk less when the
kids are around, they may enjoy the touching, talking,
and smiling more.
I've been dating a girl for three weeks, and I feel like
I'm getting ambivalent signals from her. Are there any
body language signals that will tell me for sure how she
really feels about me?
There are, of course, all the obvious body language
signals. Does she smile when you're around? Does she
look toward you often if you're separated at a party?
Does she seem relaxed when she's alone with you—or
does her body posture become stiff and uncomfortable?
THE BODY LANGUAGE OF SEX
Does she touch you, hold your hand, want to be close to
you physically?
Most people take note of all these signals unconsciously
and resolve them in their unconscious mind. Their conscious
mind then becomes aware of the answer: She/he
likes me, or doesn't like me.
As a rule, you won't choose someone for a girlfriend
unless your subconscious has already added up all the
body language signals and made a decision. We call that
decision attraction or chemistry or interest. In actuality,
it's a mental computer process.
There is also a very subtle clue to like and dislike.
Scientists investigating "pupillometrics" report that when
you see a person you like, the pupils of your eyes respond
by growing larger. Watch for this the next time your
girlfriend sees you.
I met a wonderful girl at a party about a month ago, and
we've been going around together ever since. The only
problem is, she doesn't seem to realize that I'm
interested in her sexually. How can I use body language
to let her know that I want to go bed with her?
I'm just too inhibited to blurt it out!
Your way of looking at her is the chief body language
signal here. Glancing at her body and letting her see the
28 THE BODY LANGUAGE OF SEX
glance is considered, by both men and women, a provocative
and seductive act.
In body contact, you must go beyond mere touching
and let your touch become a caress.
According to questionnaire studies among college students,
some of the body language gestures that spell out
desire are wetting the lips, passing the tip of the tongue
over the lips, and—oddly enough—in married people, playing
with the wedding ring. This seems strange because
the same gesture, used when a man and woman are talking
to each other on nonintimate terms, says 'Tm married
and safe!" But, as with any body language gesture, the
total context of the situation is what counts. If you are a
married man and your intention of seducing the woman is
getting across, the wedding ring gesture sort of spells it
all out.
The most obvious signal for wanting further sexual relations
is the deep kind of kissing that leads to sexual
intimacy. But this presumes that you have built up all
the steps in between.
As an interesting sidelight on what kissing can signal,
in England during World War II the English girls and the
American GIs ran into a body language impasse. The girls
considered the Americans too fast while the GIs thought
the English girls were too fast.
Some careful research on the part of an army psychologist
uncovered the fact that in England, at that time,
it was considered customary for a girl to go to bed with a
THE BODY LANGUAGE OF SEX 29
man shortly after he had kissed her. It usually took a long
time before that first kiss was given.
Americans, on the other hand, were used to kissing at
the start of a friendship, and then expected a long time
before getting the girl into bed. The English girls, the
Americans thought, were fast because it was kiss and into
the sack. The girls thought the soldiers fast because they
wanted to kiss right away—and by English standards, this
meant going to bed right away, too!
I've been having an affair with a man I love very deeply,
but he always wants to begin intercourse too soon,
while I still want more foreplay. How can I let him
know what I want?
You can tell your partner a tremendous amount by the
movement of your body. You can change position by
moving gently away, or you can subtly push his body to
the position you want. In all of this, your movements
should be gentle and ever playful.
Masters and Johnson, in their study of human sexuality,
suggest that since each partner knows his or her own
body and its needs, they should guide each other into
those ways that pleasure them best.
The most important thing in using body language to
communicate your needs during the act of love is to avoid
giving your partner any feeling that you're rejecting him
or withdrawing from the situation. One way to be sure
THE BODY LANGUAGE OF SEX
of this is to initiate some different types of foreplay yourself
without giving your partner the sense that he's inexperienced.
I was at a friend's house recently when I met this really
far-out girl. I could tell she was turned on to me
because she moved closer to me on the couch, but her
date was sitting on her other side. Was there any way I
could have let her know I liked her without annoying her
date? He's a football player!
The smile is always a useful signal to let her know just
how much her appearance pleases you. Since she took
the first step by moving closer, you could have responded
and moved toward her. It shows that you not only recognize
her signal, but you're also answering it with a positive
signal of your own.
An accidental touch or a brush against her is a further
signal of your interest. You might touch her arm or
thigh—or even let your foot touch hers without her date
knowing it. A lovely turn-of-the-century drawing by
Charles Dana Gibson shows a man and woman, under
the girl's mama's watchful eye, making body contact under
the table with their feet while both look innocent and
demure. If body contact is established, don't move away.
Of course, catching her eye and holding it speaks
volumes, but don't let her date catch you at it. You're
right to be careful with football players!
THE BODY LANGUAGE OF SEX
I have a boyfriend I like very much, but he drives me up
a wall when I speak to him. Sometimes he's just fine, but
there are other times when I get confused. I interrupt
him while he's still speaking, or I wait for him to
continue when he's finished. Often there'll be long pauses
before he answers me, and I feel as if I've lost him.
What's going on?
In conversation, we signal each other with many small
gestures called markers. These tell us when someone is
finished talking and when the other should start. In this
way, a conversation proceeds normally. Your friend's perception
of body language signals and markers seems to
be out of synch.
When we ask a question, for example, our head lifts at
the end of the sentence, or we may raise our hand or the
pitch of our voice. If we want to signal that we intend
to keep on talking, we keep our head, hand, or voice
level. When we answer a question, we lower our head at
the end of the answer.
If we forget these signals, or deliberately don't use
them, or don't know how to use them, the conversation is
often awkward. When one partner takes too long to respond,
ignoring our signal to start, we may interpret his
hesitance as withdrawal or rejection. This may be what is
happening between you and your friend. Take a good
look at his head and hand movements next
Scratching can be a sign of the intensity of your lovemaking
or the expression of a sadistic impulse. But almost
all men respond to being scratched by their sexual
partner and interpret it positively. To them it's a signal
that they're turning a woman on, that they are doing all
the right things. Many women are very negative about
being scratched during sex, but a few welcome it as a
sign of healthy masculine aggression. It turns them on,
too.
Like all body language messages, this
Like all body language messages, this tactile one may
mean many things, but most people see it as a positive—
and powerful—release of sexual energy.
THE BODY LANGUAGE OF SEX 25
My wife always talks me into taking the kids along when
we go for a walk. I feel that they cramp our style, but
she claims they help us communicate even if we don't
speak. How could this be? Can children affect body
language?
They can, but not in the way your wife thinks. A team of
seven researchers at the University of Minnesota went out
during the summer of 1972 and observed 440 couples
with and without children at shopping malls, in business
districts, at the zoo, outside churches and at the beach.
They watched very closely and without being noticed to
see whether each person in the couple was touching,
smiling at, or talking to the other.
The Minnesota researchers found that when men and
women were with children they touched each other less,
talked to each other less, and smiled at each other less.
Children just seemed to get in the way of any kind of
communication!
These results would seem to prove your wife wrong. It
might be a better idea to leave the kids at home when you
go out together—or at least to try and increase the time
you are alone.
The researchers admit that most older people who have
been together for a long time tend to talk less and touch
less anyway. Familiarity, if it doesn't breed contempt, at
least seems to breed disinterest. But even taking this
factor into account, the researchers assure us that children
inhibit communication.
THE BODY LANGUAGE OF SEX
As for smiling, they admit that adults who are alone
have more to smile about because they're usually interested
in each other. "Young adults of courting age,"
they point out, at dances, on the beach, may smile a
great deal and make us think that if children were around
they'd smile less. The truth is, it's the "country, the beach,
the dances that increase smiling."
All is not hopeless, however. Lest anyone should avoid
having children for fear they would cut down on his
smiling, talking, and touching, the Minnesota team notes
that though children may be a source of difficulty to their
parents, they still increase the ties between the parents.
They still offer substantial rewards to the parents, and
even if the parents touch, smile, and talk less when the
kids are around, they may enjoy the touching, talking,
and smiling more.
I've been dating a girl for three weeks, and I feel like
I'm getting ambivalent signals from her. Are there any
body language signals that will tell me for sure how she
really feels about me?
There are, of course, all the obvious body language
signals. Does she smile when you're around? Does she
look toward you often if you're separated at a party?
Does she seem relaxed when she's alone with you—or
does her body posture become stiff and uncomfortable?
THE BODY LANGUAGE OF SEX
Does she touch you, hold your hand, want to be close to
you physically?
Most people take note of all these signals unconsciously
and resolve them in their unconscious mind. Their conscious
mind then becomes aware of the answer: She/he
likes me, or doesn't like me.
As a rule, you won't choose someone for a girlfriend
unless your subconscious has already added up all the
body language signals and made a decision. We call that
decision attraction or chemistry or interest. In actuality,
it's a mental computer process.
There is also a very subtle clue to like and dislike.
Scientists investigating "pupillometrics" report that when
you see a person you like, the pupils of your eyes respond
by growing larger. Watch for this the next time your
girlfriend sees you.
I met a wonderful girl at a party about a month ago, and
we've been going around together ever since. The only
problem is, she doesn't seem to realize that I'm
interested in her sexually. How can I use body language
to let her know that I want to go bed with her?
I'm just too inhibited to blurt it out!
Your way of looking at her is the chief body language
signal here. Glancing at her body and letting her see the
28 THE BODY LANGUAGE OF SEX
glance is considered, by both men and women, a provocative
and seductive act.
In body contact, you must go beyond mere touching
and let your touch become a caress.
According to questionnaire studies among college students,
some of the body language gestures that spell out
desire are wetting the lips, passing the tip of the tongue
over the lips, and—oddly enough—in married people, playing
with the wedding ring. This seems strange because
the same gesture, used when a man and woman are talking
to each other on nonintimate terms, says 'Tm married
and safe!" But, as with any body language gesture, the
total context of the situation is what counts. If you are a
married man and your intention of seducing the woman is
getting across, the wedding ring gesture sort of spells it
all out.
The most obvious signal for wanting further sexual relations
is the deep kind of kissing that leads to sexual
intimacy. But this presumes that you have built up all
the steps in between.
As an interesting sidelight on what kissing can signal,
in England during World War II the English girls and the
American GIs ran into a body language impasse. The girls
considered the Americans too fast while the GIs thought
the English girls were too fast.
Some careful research on the part of an army psychologist
uncovered the fact that in England, at that time,
it was considered customary for a girl to go to bed with a
THE BODY LANGUAGE OF SEX 29
man shortly after he had kissed her. It usually took a long
time before that first kiss was given.
Americans, on the other hand, were used to kissing at
the start of a friendship, and then expected a long time
before getting the girl into bed. The English girls, the
Americans thought, were fast because it was kiss and into
the sack. The girls thought the soldiers fast because they
wanted to kiss right away—and by English standards, this
meant going to bed right away, too!
I've been having an affair with a man I love very deeply,
but he always wants to begin intercourse too soon,
while I still want more foreplay. How can I let him
know what I want?
You can tell your partner a tremendous amount by the
movement of your body. You can change position by
moving gently away, or you can subtly push his body to
the position you want. In all of this, your movements
should be gentle and ever playful.
Masters and Johnson, in their study of human sexuality,
suggest that since each partner knows his or her own
body and its needs, they should guide each other into
those ways that pleasure them best.
The most important thing in using body language to
communicate your needs during the act of love is to avoid
giving your partner any feeling that you're rejecting him
or withdrawing from the situation. One way to be sure
THE BODY LANGUAGE OF SEX
of this is to initiate some different types of foreplay yourself
without giving your partner the sense that he's inexperienced.
I was at a friend's house recently when I met this really
far-out girl. I could tell she was turned on to me
because she moved closer to me on the couch, but her
date was sitting on her other side. Was there any way I
could have let her know I liked her without annoying her
date? He's a football player!
The smile is always a useful signal to let her know just
how much her appearance pleases you. Since she took
the first step by moving closer, you could have responded
and moved toward her. It shows that you not only recognize
her signal, but you're also answering it with a positive
signal of your own.
An accidental touch or a brush against her is a further
signal of your interest. You might touch her arm or
thigh—or even let your foot touch hers without her date
knowing it. A lovely turn-of-the-century drawing by
Charles Dana Gibson shows a man and woman, under
the girl's mama's watchful eye, making body contact under
the table with their feet while both look innocent and
demure. If body contact is established, don't move away.
Of course, catching her eye and holding it speaks
volumes, but don't let her date catch you at it. You're
right to be careful with football players!
THE BODY LANGUAGE OF SEX
I have a boyfriend I like very much, but he drives me up
a wall when I speak to him. Sometimes he's just fine, but
there are other times when I get confused. I interrupt
him while he's still speaking, or I wait for him to
continue when he's finished. Often there'll be long pauses
before he answers me, and I feel as if I've lost him.
What's going on?
In conversation, we signal each other with many small
gestures called markers. These tell us when someone is
finished talking and when the other should start. In this
way, a conversation proceeds normally. Your friend's perception
of body language signals and markers seems to
be out of synch.
When we ask a question, for example, our head lifts at
the end of the sentence, or we may raise our hand or the
pitch of our voice. If we want to signal that we intend
to keep on talking, we keep our head, hand, or voice
level. When we answer a question, we lower our head at
the end of the answer.
If we forget these signals, or deliberately don't use
them, or don't know how to use them, the conversation is
often awkward. When one partner takes too long to respond,
ignoring our signal to start, we may interpret his
hesitance as withdrawal or rejection. This may be what is
happening between you and your friend. Take a good
look at his head and hand movements next
Scratching can be a sign of the intensity of your lovemaking
or the expression of a sadistic impulse. But almost
all men respond to being scratched by their sexual
partner and interpret it positively. To them it's a signal
that they're turning a woman on, that they are doing all
the right things. Many women are very negative about
being scratched during sex, but a few welcome it as a
sign of healthy masculine aggression. It turns them on,
too.
Like all body language messages, this
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